


Our Gnomes Are Weirder

by aroceu



Category: Super Junior, Super Junior-M
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-04
Updated: 2011-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-28 07:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/aroceu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zhou Mi gets attacked, so help comes to him. In the form of gnomes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Gnomes Are Weirder

**Author's Note:**

> Regarding recent concerns with Zhou Mi. Title is a TV trope. Story contains a few references. Prompted by [this](http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5205/5323374159_28f22d684b.jpg).

Zhou Mi wakes up to a loud sound coming from outside his window.

At first, he thinks he’s just imagining it. Then he thinks it’s an earthquake, coming to haunt him, and he lays in bed in fear for a few minutes. But when the noise doesn’t stop and he concludes that no, it  doesn’t  sound like some threatening rumbling in the distance, he decides to take a peek to see what it is.

So he looks out his window.

There, parading right outside of his apartment building, is a large swarm of what seems to be pointed hats. Red and green pointed hats, to be exact. Zhou Mi is stunned for a moment, before one of the little figures on the ground calls out to him.

“We have come to protect you, Zhou Mi!” it squeaks. It bounces up and down in its green cone-shaped hat.

Zhou Mi stares at it.

“Protect me...?”

“We heard you were getting attacked on the internet so we’re here to defend you!” pipes up another one. It grins and thrusts its bright pink face out at him.

“Oh.” Zhou Mi understands all of a sudden. He just doesn’t get why they want to defend him in real life if he’s being attacked online, though.

Then, all of a sudden, he understands. “You guys are elves, right?” he asks eagerly.

The little things blink up at him.

“No, we’re garden gnomes,” the first one calls out. 

Zhou Mi realizes that probably every garden gnome in all of China had probably uprooted itself to come defend him. He’s extremely flattered, and slightly creeped out.

“Okay,” he says to them. “Come on in.”

\--

It doesn’t take long for the garden gnomes to make their way into his dorm. They’re not very big, and had managed to enter within only seconds.

“So,” Zhou Mi says, clapping his hands and looking around to them. “What are you going to do?”

“We’re going to protect you!” says one in a red hat.

“By building a fortress around you!” says another.

“With ourselves!” chimes in a third.

“Okay,” Zhou Mi agrees. He watches as they assemble to the edges of his apartment, standing themselves upright next to the walls and the doors. They cover all the windows and ceilings too. Zhou Mi’s just grateful that they don’t lay themselves on the ground, mostly because he doesn’t want to step on them.

He goes on with his morning like every other morning, though had been slightly surprised to find a gnome hanging on his refrigerator. But when the gnome doesn’t move from its place on the handle, Zhou Mi starts to get a little bit frustrated. 

“Can you let me open my refrigerator?” he asks it politely.

“No,” the gnome says, and it suddenly dawns on Zhou Mi what exactly is wrong with this protection plan. They aren’t going to move from their spots.

He freezes and goes pale. 

“Wait, but how am I supposed to go shopping?”

\--

The first person he calls is Kyuhyun.

“Hello?” answers a weary voice on the other end.

“Kui Xian, thank god you picked up! You won’t believe what happened!” Zhou Mi exclaims. “I woke up this morning to see a bunch of little things outside of my window, and at first I thought they were  elves  protecting me from-from, well you know, that whole weibo thing--but as it turns out, they’re actually garden gnomes and they’re taking over my-my whole apartment and--”

He pauses to take a deep breath, but before he can continue, Kyuhyun interrupts him.

“Zhou Mi, are you aware what time it is?”

“Oh, it’s only--” Zhou Mi turns around to the kitchen clock, before he remembers that Kyuhyun isn’t in China with him anymore like he usually is. “Oh right, the time difference,” he says, faltering.

“Yes, the time zones,” Kyuhyun says very practically. “And I don’t want to be woken up like this anymore. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to sleep.”

“Oh. Okay.” Zhou Mi stares at his phone forlornly.

“But good luck with your garden gnome elf thing,” Kyuhyun adds.

Zhou Mi beams. “Thanks, Kui Xian,” he says to him gratefully, and then hangs up.

As he goes through his contact list to find the next person to call, he suddenly stops and stares in front of him.

“Wait, but there’s barely any time difference between China and Korea!”

\--

After leaving Kyuhyun a very angry voicemail about tricking him like that and to not stay up playing too much video games again, Zhou Mi calls Hangeng.

“Hello?” says Hangeng’s tired voice from over the phone.

“Gege!”

“Oh, Zhou Mi!” There’s a slight rustling on the other end, and then Hangeng speaks again. “How are you? How are you doing?”

“I’m fine, it’s just that--”

“I’m really sorry about the whole weibo thing; those people aren’t my real fans if they’re going to attack you like that,” Hangeng tells him. “I want to apologize on behalf of my fans--well, my ‘fans’ but you know what I mean. I hope they aren’t giving you too much trouble, are they? If they are, I’ll come over kick their asses--you’re still in China, right--?”

“Yeah,” Zhou Mi says dismissively. “But that’s not why I called. You see, there are some gnomes crowding around my dorm, and they say they’re  protecting  me, but I don’t--well, it’s not very convenient for me--”

“Oh,” is all Hangeng says.

“Yeah.” Zhou Mi paces back and forth along his kitchen floor. “Do you think you could do something about it?”

Hangeng sighs. “I’m really sorry, Zhou Mi, I’d love to. Well,” he adds, “I’m not sure about that. But I just can’t right now. I have the stupid solo album-concert thing, the lawsuit that I still need to address to about ten more Chinese newspapers and four more talkshows, some illness that I caught a few weeks ago that’s not going away, not to mention that I have this fucking  mullet  on my head that I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to--I just can’t, Zhou Mi, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Zhou Mi says to him brightly, an idea coming to him. “I’ll just ask Siwon-gege instead.”

\--

“... so you can just fight them off with your awesome Siwon-skills and they’ll go away!” 

“Are you sure they’re not antis?” Siwon says very seriously over the phone.

Zhou Mi sighs and shakes his head, as he walks back and forth in the kitchen. “I’m  pretty  sure they’re not antis, especially since they want to protect  me, gege. And I know you’re really strong, right? Plus, they’re just small gnome things--you know, just garden gnomes. It wouldn’t be hard for you to like rip off your shirt and chuck them out the window, right?”

“I guess,” Siwon says. “Why don’t you do it yourself?”

Zhou Mi blushes suddenly and darts his eyes around. “They,” he says quietly into the phone, “they kind of um.” He brings his voice down even lower. “ I think they’re jealous of my long legs .”

“Ah.” Siwon makes a little thoughtful noise. “Hmm. Where are you right now?”

“China!”

Siwon suddenly tenses over the phone; Zhou Mi can feel it. “Oh,” Siwon says. “Then, um. Sorry Zhou Mi. I can’t. There’s, um. Well. I heard that the Chinese can get a little bit...  feisty .” He coughs.

“Feisty?” Zhou Mi asks blankly.

“Yes, feisty,” Siwon says hurriedly. “But good luck with your whole garden gnome thing! And tell me how it goes!”

“No, wait, but gege--” Zhou Mi starts.

All he gets is a dial tone.

\--

“Are they Super Junior fans?” Henry asks.

“I’m pretty sure they are, but it’s not like they’re going to  hurt  you, Henli--”

“Are they Super Junior 13 fans?”

“I don’t know, but they seem pretty nice and okay with it. They support me, so I’m sure they’ll support you too--”

“Were they at any of the 2008 performances of Don’t Don?” 

“For God’s sake, they’re  gnomes , not actually fangirls!” Zhou Mi shouts exasperatedly. “Now can you come over here and help me?”

“I’m in Canada,” is Henry’s answer.

“You’re awake.”

“Do they like violins?” 

“Oh my god, Henli, I  don’t know ! I just want you to come over here and help me get rid of these gnomes, whether they like you or not--”

“I don’t want to go be surrounded by people who don’t know how to appreciate me,” Henry says to him.

Zhou Mi hangs up.

\--

“That’s awfully nice of your fans,” Ryeowook is saying, “but I really don’t see how I can help.”

“You can do  anything ! Just come here!” Zhou Mi flails left arm around. He’d flail his right arm around as well, but then his cellphone would probably crash against his head.

“That’s a lot of mouths to feed, though,” Ryeowook says worriedly. “Do you think you could just cook a lot of rice for them or something?”

“I don’t  want  to cook for them, I just want them to go away!”

“That’s not how you treat a guest, Zhou Mi,” Ryeowook tells him. “You should treat them with grace and respect, not just trying to satisfy them and then shove them out the door.”

“I don’t  care  how they feel; they’re  gnomes , not fans!” Zhou Mi nearly yells.

“That’s not very nice,” Ryeowook scolds. “I’m going to hang up now.”

“No--But wait, Ryeowook, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I just--”

“I’m going to hang up now.”

“No--Ryeowook--don’t--!”

\--

“I’d love to!” Donghae says to him happily.

Zhou Mi sighs with relief; why hadn’t he called Donghae first? “Thanks,” he says to him. “You really don’t know how grateful I am for this, hyung, I’ve been calling everyone else all morning and they’re just not helping.”

“But I am!” Donghae says, chipper. “I’ll take the first plane to China as soon as possible, Zhou Mi, and then we’ll fight them off together!”

“Thanks,” Zhou Mi says again. “Just be careful when you’re coming in, I think they have the front door blocked too.” He starts coming out of the kitchen to check.

“Okay.” There’s a slight thump on the other end, and Zhou Mi can hear Donghae shuffling around. “Just let me get my weapons--I think I might have a chainsaw and an AK-47 in here too--oh wait, do you know if fish are afraid of gnomes? ‘Cause I have a whole army of them here.”

\--

Zhou Mi sighs. He takes a drink of his tea and stares out his window. 

At least, he would be staring out his window, if it wasn’t currently covered with garden gnomes.

He sips his tea again. Oh, how he wishes that someone, anyone could be here to help him get rid of the creepy little things. It’s not like he has the inability to do anything to fend them off--he just doesn’t have the ability to get rid of them. Maybe if Jay Chou or Lady Gaga came...

He shakes the thought out of his mind.

Zhou Mi just wants help to come to him. In the form of anything. Well. Almost anything.

As long as it’s not an earthquake, he’ll probably be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Zhou Mi opens his eyes and realizes that he's in the air.
> 
> "What the fuck," he says, and when he looks up and sees Kyuhyun holding him, and oh my god there are  _wings_  sprouting from his back, he flails and shrieks, "WHAT THE FUCK."
> 
> "You like?" Kyuhyun smirks. "I knew that choosing to play as that bird-genetically mutated Zerg was a good idea."
> 
> "KUI XIAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Zhou Mi writhes in his grasp, until he realizes that Kyuhyun's grip is too strong and he's not going to let go any time soon.
> 
> "Rescuing you from the gnomes. You should be grateful." Kyuhyun shoots him a look as they continue flying through the sky. "Unless you want me to drop you?"
> 
> "No no no no!" Zhou Mi flails harder than ever, and Kyuhyun has to squeeze him before Zhou Mi finally yelps and stops. When he does, he looks up to Kyuhyun again.
> 
> "Thank you, Kui Xian," he says to him, eyes shining. "Really, I am."
> 
> "Yeah, yeah." Kyuhyun rolls his eyes and waves it off. "When we land, you have to help me figure out how to get rid of these. I don't want the wings to bother us when we're in bed tonight."


End file.
